I've dropped daughter off at school and well, I had an hour. I've already chewed into with the evil FB. Why oh why. Maybe I will be rid of it. Something will give and roller derby team page will come down and I can just go back to life as it was before FB. Maybe I can get rid of my smart phone too. Then I'd be writing more! Maybe. Maybe exercising more.
My parenting goals this year have to do with modeling my best self. I think I know better what my daughter needs. Patience and encouragement. Well, and a million other things, but I am thinking that I need to get back to my better self. I need to model self-confidence. I need to model writing and reading and self control. I need to listen carefully and be present. The details that I might read in another autism or adhd or anxiety or mindfulness book will come if I keep at it. I need to model taking care of my body, maintaining a list, exercising, eating right.
On my list was connect with Autism Consultant about high school orientation. The Autism Consultant is one of two people who covers all the kids in two counties. And talks at conferences and trains teachers and other professionals. She is a busy person. She's been doing this for years. Sometimes she answers immediately, sometimes the message gets buried. I am not someone who likes to ask for help. But I was in the middle of email correspondence with an assistant principle, probably also overworked, but she was answering, but it felt like disconnect. I am worried/hopeful about high school. I would really like my daughter to look forward to the possibility of it. To want her to attend the big local high school with the trained special ed staff and leave the struggling charter school. It would mean getting to school by 7:30 in the morning. Which sounds insane. But that's what time it starts. The good thing is we can get there in five minutes. It's only one mile away. She could take the bus or walk home. So I am wanting some help setting up some supports for my daughter's orientation experience. This entails a number of emails to try to determine what the orientation package looks like. It means then convincing the school that Erin will need something a little different. For that I need the Autism Consultant. So I called on Frieday. She could call back later. I can't talk when she's free. We put off to this week. I text her Monday and she texts back that she call talk after 12. I call and leave a message. She texts that she's delayed and will call when she's free. Finally, I get her on the phone. She's steering the conversation into an area I don't think is helpful, about how much higher the expectations will be at the high school. I get triggered and a bit frantic. I picture her moldering in current miserable school for the rest of her education and feel a little betrayed, as if that is the best we can hope for our child. Then I try to regroup, but I've already gotten all defensive with a woman who gave up lunch so she could call me and help me work through what I need to do to set up high school orientation.
Really felt down on myself for the rest of the day. Crawled into bed and my husband could tell I was off. So I told him about the call and how I felt. And then my mind went to this really weird, but helpful place-- just how really weird a humans are as animals. I mean really really weird what we think we need to do to survive. And we are just as mortal as the rest of them. All this effort to build educational systems and to make choices about them and institutions and the debates and the processes of it all. This tangent might have to do with animals my daughter likes to study. All that David Attendorough. But really, holy moly, why do we do it? Let go of the stress already! So we ended up laughing and making love and that felt like just the right thing. But oddly enough I couldn't sleep and it turns out my daughter, who was all quiet in her dark room and we thought asleep, was actually on my phone watching cartoons till she ran out of battery at 1:30 in the morning.
But we got through yesterday and we'll get through today.
My parenting goals this year have to do with modeling my best self. I think I know better what my daughter needs. Patience and encouragement. Well, and a million other things, but I am thinking that I need to get back to my better self. I need to model self-confidence. I need to model writing and reading and self control. I need to listen carefully and be present. The details that I might read in another autism or adhd or anxiety or mindfulness book will come if I keep at it. I need to model taking care of my body, maintaining a list, exercising, eating right.
On my list was connect with Autism Consultant about high school orientation. The Autism Consultant is one of two people who covers all the kids in two counties. And talks at conferences and trains teachers and other professionals. She is a busy person. She's been doing this for years. Sometimes she answers immediately, sometimes the message gets buried. I am not someone who likes to ask for help. But I was in the middle of email correspondence with an assistant principle, probably also overworked, but she was answering, but it felt like disconnect. I am worried/hopeful about high school. I would really like my daughter to look forward to the possibility of it. To want her to attend the big local high school with the trained special ed staff and leave the struggling charter school. It would mean getting to school by 7:30 in the morning. Which sounds insane. But that's what time it starts. The good thing is we can get there in five minutes. It's only one mile away. She could take the bus or walk home. So I am wanting some help setting up some supports for my daughter's orientation experience. This entails a number of emails to try to determine what the orientation package looks like. It means then convincing the school that Erin will need something a little different. For that I need the Autism Consultant. So I called on Frieday. She could call back later. I can't talk when she's free. We put off to this week. I text her Monday and she texts back that she call talk after 12. I call and leave a message. She texts that she's delayed and will call when she's free. Finally, I get her on the phone. She's steering the conversation into an area I don't think is helpful, about how much higher the expectations will be at the high school. I get triggered and a bit frantic. I picture her moldering in current miserable school for the rest of her education and feel a little betrayed, as if that is the best we can hope for our child. Then I try to regroup, but I've already gotten all defensive with a woman who gave up lunch so she could call me and help me work through what I need to do to set up high school orientation.
Really felt down on myself for the rest of the day. Crawled into bed and my husband could tell I was off. So I told him about the call and how I felt. And then my mind went to this really weird, but helpful place-- just how really weird a humans are as animals. I mean really really weird what we think we need to do to survive. And we are just as mortal as the rest of them. All this effort to build educational systems and to make choices about them and institutions and the debates and the processes of it all. This tangent might have to do with animals my daughter likes to study. All that David Attendorough. But really, holy moly, why do we do it? Let go of the stress already! So we ended up laughing and making love and that felt like just the right thing. But oddly enough I couldn't sleep and it turns out my daughter, who was all quiet in her dark room and we thought asleep, was actually on my phone watching cartoons till she ran out of battery at 1:30 in the morning.
But we got through yesterday and we'll get through today.