Lots of sun today makes me feel optimistic. Dropped B off at roller derby practice. Had every intention of hanging out to watch her and to knit. But she decided at the last minute that she wanted me out of there. She wasn't polite about it, but then I guess I don't care a whole lot about that. It's a little embarrassing, but I don't think I was going to gain much by pushing for a do-over in front of her friends. I knew she was just nervous and needing to feel in control.
On the way to practice we talked a bit about her birthday plans. We've been exploring different options for how she'd like to celebrate. I think she'd like to include a certain friend somehow. They get on well and she has a big crush. So there are a lot of emotions on her end and on my end all swirling around. I'd like her to have a nice birthday. The friend really does seem to like her. The friend is younger and maybe not ready to be the kind of friend she'd like him to be. I'm in danger of overthinking something I can't control. I do have to help orchestrate and pay for whatever it is that is going to happen. The friend lives 30 minutes away by car. B in is vulnerable to fixation/obsession. I'm worried about planning a big party where no one shows. We've had some big parties and they all turned out fine. Last year we had a little party and that was very nice. We had one person not show, but three girls who did show. Birthdays are just one day. They get a lot of expectation tossed on them, partly based on experience, partly do to environment. I will make an effort. I can't make her have more friends who want to celebrate with her than she already has. I can't make it so everyone is available. I can help her plan something. I can present options that are within my budget and my ability.
The week has been a bit of a wild ride, what with high school orientation right in the middle. I was nervous. The day was not a bust, but it was stressful. She did have a bit of a panic attack when she got home and after school on Thursday. She still seems amenable to going to the regular high school. I still think it is the better option. It's going to be a hard adjustment though. A lot more people. I lot more noise, in the broader sense of noise being anything that assaults the senses and needs to be filtered out. But there will be oases for her. And support. And opportunities. I had really hoped she would go skiing after school on Thursday, but my pushing to make it happen, just made the push against all the stronger. And in the end I had to walk off and give her her space. By the time I came back from my walk, she was calm and happy. Before that she was in a frenzy. I'm not sure how she regrouped. Skiing may just need to be something I let go of. I'll offer it on Thursday mornings, but if she doesn't want to go, I won't plan my day around it.
On the way to practice we talked a bit about her birthday plans. We've been exploring different options for how she'd like to celebrate. I think she'd like to include a certain friend somehow. They get on well and she has a big crush. So there are a lot of emotions on her end and on my end all swirling around. I'd like her to have a nice birthday. The friend really does seem to like her. The friend is younger and maybe not ready to be the kind of friend she'd like him to be. I'm in danger of overthinking something I can't control. I do have to help orchestrate and pay for whatever it is that is going to happen. The friend lives 30 minutes away by car. B in is vulnerable to fixation/obsession. I'm worried about planning a big party where no one shows. We've had some big parties and they all turned out fine. Last year we had a little party and that was very nice. We had one person not show, but three girls who did show. Birthdays are just one day. They get a lot of expectation tossed on them, partly based on experience, partly do to environment. I will make an effort. I can't make her have more friends who want to celebrate with her than she already has. I can't make it so everyone is available. I can help her plan something. I can present options that are within my budget and my ability.
The week has been a bit of a wild ride, what with high school orientation right in the middle. I was nervous. The day was not a bust, but it was stressful. She did have a bit of a panic attack when she got home and after school on Thursday. She still seems amenable to going to the regular high school. I still think it is the better option. It's going to be a hard adjustment though. A lot more people. I lot more noise, in the broader sense of noise being anything that assaults the senses and needs to be filtered out. But there will be oases for her. And support. And opportunities. I had really hoped she would go skiing after school on Thursday, but my pushing to make it happen, just made the push against all the stronger. And in the end I had to walk off and give her her space. By the time I came back from my walk, she was calm and happy. Before that she was in a frenzy. I'm not sure how she regrouped. Skiing may just need to be something I let go of. I'll offer it on Thursday mornings, but if she doesn't want to go, I won't plan my day around it.